Sunday, December 28, 2014

The man - again

I stay curled. Nothing haunts me like my own mind. Thoughts which are nothing but endless streams of recollections - broken, bleached, rusted collections.

When i am alone, the man wakes up - looks around, is disgusted - steers a look at the man - within whom he resides - i give him a faint smile. Is that the best you can do?

When i am alone, i feel i am not. For   theres my conceit, my deception - my misguided life, standing, staring.  Is this all you sum up to?

Did i have 10 minutes of pure emotion this year?
Was i awake for even 5 minutes during this entire ordeal?
Everyday i feel i am completely finished, and then there's the next.

Then there's this beastly longing, this long for answers - an order among all the chaos - a center - for i am but a planet yo-yoing around in empty space without a sun - without gravity. I am but into an infinite free fall - there's a dull, soft thud - the lights are switched off.. The man curls back - turns around - to sleep

Hdk


Sunday, November 9, 2014

Beach

Why.
My feet, the damp,
cold,
mild sand.

Tiny particles decided to act together and land on my feet at every step.

Was i walking or the sand calling me, absorbing itself and then me in the next step.

Rolling over and letting me go - in circles

In circles they revolved..
Tidal waves evolved..
Burying sorrows in their depths.. ..
the shores dissolved..
With passing tide it held...
The unsure shore -
its wicked sand...
The waves kept trying,
loving them,
in every bend..
Sand looked over -
to love,
is to pretend.

Hdk


Blobbed bulb

The hour closed, the bulb kept flickering..

 Flicker flicker,
 it begged for death -
 as it was humiliated for its sickening attempt to live..

 Flicker, flicker,
 it held on,
 to breathe -  unmerciful death pondered at its every heave

 It moaned..it groaned..

 In a distance - the bright moon shone.. With visible white teeth when it smiled.. The light bulb flickers..
 Alas it dies

 The moon shrugged off,
overlooking the disintegrating world..

 While the sun burned down..

The moon.
.losing gravity ..
swirled..
Its end of the world..

 Flicker flicker..
 Flicker on and twirl..

Hdk

Thursday, October 23, 2014

To be with the unliving

I wish to walk in a cemetery..be with the unliving ..pour myself into them . for i think they'll realize.. they'll understand this magnificent nothing.. my sparkling darkness and this fear..this fear which bulges beyond the bounds of my trembling mind..

I think, but well in fact, I know they will hear about my condition and nod their heads.. One of them will say i felt that too... There'll be a murmur when I'll start talking about this unbearable emptiness.. This craving.. this immense lightness...which has me floating aimlessly - like air, but air still has direction

For one moment i die, the other moment i wish i was dead. For my death did not kill me..

And so i walk into my cemetery tonight.. Looking for friends.. Looking for a life, staring into the beyond and there after







Hdk

Saturday, October 11, 2014

Few good men !!

In defense of a few good men.

Moments ago, I finished reading an extensively descriptive article about 2 different women of this country. One experimenting, the other, being experimented on. The former is on a quest of dating 50 men and the latter on the whims of a distrustful father is opting for an arranged marriage.
I have heard, read and spoken about innumerable such stories looking at the way things are and could be, however, from the perspective of a woman. Surprisingly, I haven`t come across a single male-centric article on the issue. So I wondered and asked around other fellow gentlemen why, the answers I got were
  • ·         We are men, we watch football and drink beer (I`d personally prefer whisky and when the woman on me awakens she asks for espresso vodka – (not being sexist))
  • ·         I don`t understand what you are talking about – is this got to do with the new playboy edition
  • ·         If I do write about something like this, a feminist will take a single line out of context and screw my life and probably my writing career – they are too touchy about it (rightly so) – but it is hard to write it in a politically correct way – that we do CARE – at least some of us do

             I take up the mantle, not more than 5 people are gonna read this, but well, I have to write.
             Having spoken to and being in the community of men, I have heard disappointing, blood-boiling, funny, fresh, down-right dumb etc tales on what women are for men, and the broader issue of marriage (the licence to have sex). (Right now, I think, a marriage, is an idea who`s time has gone, we need to move on and as a civilization look for something beyond – never mind about that now)

 But let me tell you, there is an increase in these new breed of men, who think and want to move beyond definition – but are fearful at the backlash of the community, at the stereotype we men are supposed to follow and to add not many women are accommodating that. Personally, I just know handfuls who acknowledge it.
What stereotype? the one with man who`s got a swim-suit body and who`s just out of the gym, the raw bull, the beer guzzling – yelling out loud, unaccommodating yet chivalrous, the smart yet cute, the workman who fixes mechanical instruments (magically) and to top it all knows all that is to know about a computer hardware/software/patches/programs/tools everything – you the get the idea. And the one I personally hate – is the idea of a man who constantly has to sing and dance and crack jokes just to let the woman not be bored. So here`s to all those men – who do all this, not out of heart – but just to “fit in” –

“Get a life !!”

We are not born as your play toys, we are not nothing if we do not have a fat bank balance, we are not as Tyler puts it right – the all singing all dancing crap of this world, if we admire how beautiful you look – don’t hate us, if we ask you out – don`t call us perverts, if we read and have fat bellys don`t call us undesirable or shabby.

Indian men socially, are as fucked up as women – just because they have to :
  • ·         Study hard, get good grades so they are deemed intelligent
  • ·         + get a fat bank account, keep looking decent, belly tucked in -  to marry a girl (the thot disgusts me)
  • ·         Fight/compete with I don`t know – a billion other men to get a good job to accomplish all this
  • ·         Get a house for themselves (look at the real estate prices) and then plan to settle down (and die)
  • Let me tell you, its not easy being a man in this country, and to be a good man its increasingly difficult and improbable. I`m not saying have pity on us, nor am I saying we`re more anguished than you women. All I’m saying is we are almost as screwed up as you, we hate all the dogma`s that tie both the man and the woman down and we have to live up to the shallow ideals just like you women do

So don`t hate us, don`t hate the guy who just looked at you and smiled, smile back at him and make his day for what it`s worth.  

The time to wake up from this sordid dream, I believe has come. To be unbound, unchained and to pursue, chase, follow, run, swim – to do and be impulsive at every passing second, be it man, woman, child.

The idea is to be, just, be.

He for she for as much as she for he.

**I`d want to be a woman in the next run, just to see how things turn out.
Enough said.

hdk

PS:



THE APOLOGY

Having said all that above, to add to it – I apologize.

  • I apologize for that piece of shit who made you think twice before wearing that beautiful dress
  • I apologize for the men who don`t make you feel safe on the roads
  •  I apologize for men who look at you the wrong way
  • I apologize for men who say "she has good boobs, i`ll marry her !!" , when they say they want to marry just to have a licence to have sex
  •  Not being the white knight – but those are due to`s for which this note saw the light of day, else i`d be reading Kafka –  so I hate them as much as you do.




Monday, October 6, 2014

How long

I breathed out..

These months..these years..breathing in..in ..

deeply..
gulping..

minute by minute..choking..
gulping again..
down the throat..

slowly ..
accumulating..
piling up..

a sense of dismay..
a scene of destruction..
a groan of pain..
but still breathing in..

no - no - no -
yes..
breathe in -
the waters to be turned off - or risk the damn bursting out..

but who controls the rain..
it keeps building..
a beast chained..scarred..

the madness in his eyes.. Aaaarggghhhh...

a structure - beaten - demolished - by the powerful - the iron ball crashing - the structure still standing ...

How long

Hdk


Saturday, October 4, 2014

Disgrace

The mad man crouches,
Burns,
Yearns,
debouches,

 has no shelter,
running helter skelter,

the world around him
 doesnot, get their banter,

scared he is.. being out in the open..
the people around - surround,
my shell reopen,

hides his face,
with palms, efface..

call`s himself..
disgrace
deface..

Disgraced..
Defaced.



Escaped.

hdk

Wednesday, October 1, 2014

To dream a dream

Then came a dream he loved, he wished he lived it – he drowned in it – as a calming melody hit him, he let himself loose in the harmony of the things surrounding him

Folks said he died in his sleep whence he had but found what he was looking for – the eyes finally saw what they longed – all their lifetime. Ages had passed, and when the gleam was flickering and aiming for a final flutter – came this wonderful sight. He tried to clasp a hand around it, like time it scattered. 

Tried to keep his feet firm, like quicksand it gulped – nudged him in. Tried to take one last look, like love – it left him.


There came a final sigh, a final aah – and to dream a dream he died.

Hdk


Saturday, September 20, 2014

Undead

The cold steel was at my heart.. My heart..If that's what you call the beating red thing..the sword hilt in my hand as i creaked it right through the cage that held it.

I had stabbed myself

I was falling

Abandoning the world i didn't want to come back to..

I heard the wind lull me to sleep..as i fell, felt as she touched my lips to hear that last gasp...

 as gravity , too tired of sucking.  ...
refused to accept me..
gave up on me..
and
i was there..
stuck..
In between..

There was no death, where there was no life.

My joy of dying was short lived..there are some who die happy.. there are some who are happy at the thot of dying and there are those in between - not knowing - not knowing

I did hear Dante reciting his Canto 9 to me:

O you possessed of sturdy intellects,the teaching that is hidden here

sotto 'l velame de li versi strani.

beneath the veil of verses so obscure.

I was beneath and above the verses so obscure

Inferno-Purgatorio-Pardiso ..



haha Parody or so?

Hdk

Saturday, September 6, 2014

The 100+ friends i made these 25 years

1 HarryPotter and the Philosophers Stone JK Rowling read
2 The memoirs of a geisha Arthur Golden read
3 Wings of Fire Abdul Kalam read
4 Mein Kampf Adolf Hitler partly
5 The immortals of Meluha Amish Tripathi read
6 Secret of the nagas Amish Tripathi read
7 Oath of the vayuputras Amish Tripathi read
8 Sherlock Holmes Arthur Conan Doyle read
9 The god of small things Arundhati Roy read
10 White tiger Arvind Adiga read
11 The fountainhead Ayn Rand read
12 Atlas Shrugged Ayn Rand read
13 Virtues of Selfishness Ayn Rand partly
14 Anthem Ayn Rand partly
15 We the Living Ayn Rand partly
16 The new intellectual Ayn Rand partly
17 The romantic manifesto Ayn Rand partly
18 Living with a wild god Barbara Ehrenreich read
19 5 pt someone Chetan Bhagat read
20 2 states Chetan Bhagat read
21 Revolution 2020 Chetan Bhagat read
22 A grief observed CS Lewis read
23 Tales of Narnia CS Lewis read
24 The Da Vinci Code Dan Brown read
25 Deception Point Dan Brown read
26 Lost Symbol Dan Brown read
27 Inferno Dan Brown read
28 Digital Fortress Dan Brown read
29 Angels and Demons Dan Brown read
30 The divine comedy Dante Alighieri read
31 the famous five Enid Blyton read
32 the secret seven Enid Blyton read
33 the hardy brothers Franklin Dixon read
34 Letters to Milena Franz Kafka read
35 Metamorphosis Franz Kafka read
36 The great wall of china Franz Kafka read
37 The day of the Jackal Frederick Forsyth read
38 Thus Spake Zarathustra Friedrich Nietzsche pending
39 Beyond Good and Evil Friedrich Nietzsche partly
40 On the genealogy of morals Friedrich Nietzsche pending
41 Twilight of the idols Friedrich Nietzsche pending
42 Crime and Punishment Fyodor Dostoyevsky reading
43 The Brothers Karamazov Fyodor Dostoyevsky reading
44 The Idiot Fyodor Dostoyevsky reading
45 Notes from the underground Fyodor Dostoyevsky reading
46 One hundred years of solitude Gabriel Marquez reading
47 Poems by Lord Byron George Byron reference
48 The time machine H G Wells read
49 The polyester prince Hamish Macdonald read
50 To kill a mockingbird Harper Lee read
51 HarryPotter and the Chamber of Secrets JK Rowling read
52 HarryPotter and the prisoner of Azkaban JK Rowling read
53 Harry Potter and the goblet of fire JK Rowling read
54 HarryPotter and the order of the phoenix JK Rowling read
55 HarryPotter and the half blood prince JK Rowling read
56 HarryPotter and the deathly hallows JK Rowling read
57 The Brethren John Grisham read
58 The painted house John Grisham read
59 the firm John Grisham read
60 Ford country stories John Grisham read
61 The Broker John Grisham read
62 The Associate John Grisham read
63 Poems by Keats John Keats reference
64 Gullivers Travels Jonathan Swift read
65 Sophie`s World Jostien Gaarder reading
66 Lord of the rings JRR read
67 The prophet Kahlil Gibran read
68 Madman Kahlil Gibran read
69 Spirits Rebellious Kahlil Gibran read
70 The kite runner Kaled Hosseni read
71 A thousand splendid suns Kaled Hosseni read
72 Capital Karl Marx partly
73 Eye of the needle Ken Follett read
74 The company of woman Khushwant Singh read
75 The inheritance of loss Kiran Desai read
76 The Tibetian Book of the dead Lama Kazi Dawa-Samdu read
77 The sorrows of satan Marie Corelli reading
78 The Godfather Mario Puzo read
79 Jurassic Park Michael Crichton read
80 Timeline Michael Crichton read
81 The Lost World Michael Crichton read
82 Congo Michael Crichton read
83 Prey Michael Crichton read
84 Shock Doctrine Naomi Klien read
85 No Logo Naomi Klien reading
86 The ascent of money Niall Ferguson partly
87 In the line of fire Parvez Musharaff read
88 Malgudi Days RK Narayan read
89 Rich dad Poor Dad Robert Kiyosaki read
90 Midnights Children Salman Rushdie pending
91 Satanic Verses Salman Rushdie pending
92 Dilbert Scott Adams read
93 The interpretation of dreams Sigmund Freud read
94 Who moved by cheese Spencer Johnson read
95 A brief history of time Stephen Hawking read
96 Lajja Taslima Nasreen read
97 Man`s search for meaning Viktor Frankl read
98 To the lighhouse Virginia Woolf reading
99 Shakespeare - all stories William Shakespeare read
100 Life of Pi Yann Martel read
101 Man And Spirit:The Speculative Philosopher Saxe Commins,Robert Linscott
102 The Story of Philosophy William Durant
103 Les Miserables Victor Hugo

Friday, August 29, 2014

Undiminished and Trembling

Undiminished..

Is it same as not diminished.. I wouldn't know.. My callousness..has grown exponentially the past few months.. Not caring ..has made me unpredictable..My boss says.. He doesn't want me to be this easy.. This casual.. He doesn't like such people, who can work..

It seems all this while I have a death wish.a desire to finish. A wish to end the world,..the way I see it, if I die my world does too.. And to glorify it I say end of world..

That's one side of the scales, the other is this maddening intense and soul crushing desire to live .. There isnt a fragrance I have missed..

Do you know the second before the flower fragrance hits..is the second of unlove.. The moment of not knowing..it's the second before jumping of that rock into the seas or below the mountains... or the second before my bone dry mind is flooded with your thots..

Coz everytime you live you die..



The unknown is powerful..knowing weakens you. And I still take d plunge.. Plunging to my thousands deaths with it..

So i am as alive as I'm dead..and that's y sometimes I turnoff.. I am a stone and sometimes I m the peacock who wants to mate in the middle of a stormy night..

After all this..there's you..

There's so much of you..and there`s a little of me..trembling.

Hdk

Sunday, August 10, 2014

A happy note - supposedly

I hear d crickets croaking..
the frogs buzzing..
There's wind in my hair..
and here I lay my heart bare..

It looks like rain ..
 the probable end of pain...
This has to be a happy poem..
coz I promised a woman - the bane..

The birds are chirping
singing a happy song..
It won't be long
before the summer hues are gone..

The thunderous showers...
d wonderous rains..
.the promise of happy times ..
of no pains and only gains

hdk

Tuesday, August 5, 2014

Setting the cage free

Fog settled down, the whitish hue which had trapped the wind, mildly undressed, setting her free. There are some cages which keep you safe, there are some which set you free, there are some who are caged within the prisoner - but they all tie you down - keep a part of you - cause the prisoner is the soul of the cage and what is a cage if not for the prisoner.

So why seek freedom - i ask ? Why such hue and cry - when the cage caresses wounds - she puts me to sleep - she's full of stories and songs - of her longings and all that`s locked up with her - being a cage is not easy she says - people despise her - she`s sad.

I wouldn`t join the world`s chorus about the cliched freedom - for my mind seeks out the cage, wants to cage it within myself - for then i`ll be cage and i`ll be the prisoner too and then won`t both of us be free - for our freedom is in setting our love free -

setting the cage free.

Hdk


Saturday, July 19, 2014

When it rains

It rained..

It's amazing how a few drops of water ...
can wash off a life time of grief..

How the dark clouds
bring abundance of joy...

How d clogged brain..
slowly ...
unclogs and cleans...

How d memories..
sticky and grey .
which never budged..
suddenly un-sticks..
leaving just a shadow
of its past..

How like d sunbeam..
a small ray of light falls...
on a body too weak ...
and melts all d ice beneath...

How a gust of wind ...
pulls with it a layer of dust and the surface
is clean again...

How lightening ..
like a father
asks u to amend ur ways...

How brown
turns green
and bears fruits..

How a tiny droplet..
wid a dream too big..
fulfils it
and designs d rainbow


Hdk

Saturday, March 1, 2014

To paradise I walked..

To paradise I walked..
Thru hell was the road..
Thru purgatory it passed..

Their ain't no monsters..there was no Satan...pestilence too had his day off...
But one I met..
God's own favorite..

.the one wid the sins ..
The one with the whine..
the botched tongue..
wicked mind ..
intentions cruel..
Eyes blind
The one who believed in.self destruction..
It was him who I had to fight..
to reach my heaven..

Humans.

Hdk

Sounds

There are 3 I heard all through the day.

The whooshing wind
The ticking clock
Myself breathe.

The wind blew over,
time passed,
I am still breathing.

The blown-over wind,
The battery-less clock,
The breath-less lungs

Hdk

Friday, February 7, 2014

Superhero within..

I recently discovered that its ok for me to give up the pretense of being sane and not do something ordinary and also the fact that there is a superhero within me – I just had to discover it. So I sit down – grab a notepad and track down what superhero I could be. Batman and Ironman had a lot of money. I didn’t – so there was no way I could build a fancy suit and kick ass so that is in the dump. I aint from a different planet so Superman too is out of the table. Altough I think I have a weakness for kryptonite and I need to check my origins. Spider bites didn’t work, nor does gamma radiation, I cant be Thor although I consider myself to be a god and the other super-heroes are just not good enough for me. So I concluded the conventional one`s not possible. What next.

So I  did some soul searching and thought of what were my strongest qualities  - below is the brief list:

Sarcasm
Hot Body
My writing skills
Intuition

And many more, and while I was delving on  this I realized my one super-power – Farting . I think my body has an endless supply of foul –smelly- nose hair burning gas – which I could use to tear the evil of the world apart and it was something I could do anytime any place – it was a Super power. It was an eye opener.

So I decided to share this super power with the world – unlike all the superheroes (jerks) I would like to empower everyone in this world with this superpower and destroy all evil. There is a wonderful potion which you can brew to activate this superpower.

Following are the ingredients and qualities you need :

Pudina leaves
A burner
Water
Rock salt (the one they use in Supernatural)
Self control and some Gas/air.


Steps : Boil the pudina leaves in water using a burner for 15 minutes as the water turns green (hulk green) – add some rock salt – and drink the potion in one breath. As the water flows down you food pipe to the stomach and the gastric juice in the stomach starts protein digestion and as all of this happens you will feel a surge of excitement rising within you. You will feel light as all the gas in your body is slowly accumulating as ammo ready to be fired and any evil you wish to annihilate and thus rises within you a hero who is now ready to face the world and challenge its existence.

The same goes for burping too more on it next time..

Hdk

Blur...

What do you do when each day you realize you are going mad, when every passing second you feel will blow you off – when each passing second you feel you`ve hung all along and a gust would tear you apart and rip out scathed soul.

The muffled moan..the silent cry.. The thoughts of sea and the dying sigh Every second breath You wonder why. You cry you sigh Losing the ideals high The worlds blown over Eyes are dry A soul-less man A fire-less eye The starless sky

Incomplete

Hdk

Now

As the seizure ends and u r back on ground ..
U wonder wat u lost and u wonder wats around..

Ever wondered d healers injure too..
Ever wondered d cloud thunder too ..would destroy wat u had..the sane mind and d dreamers road ahead...

The sleep which makes d dream would suddenly wake up and bac u are picking on d ruins of a dreams which u thot was a life..

This was to b d swan song.. But there's more to me..

-Hdk


Dying all the time lose ur dreams and u will lose ur mind. - A.Roy

winter thots

It would be nice if u have someone to cuddle up to.. To smell her morning hair as sunlight brushes her face and then she looks at u and winks and u love d playful gaze.. A child's hidden in her..somewhere down d maze..her smell enthralls me as autumn..like d green autumn day.. U hear her laughing out ..running down d pines..and then it's heaven right there..right in front of sight.. Her eyes tell u all this and wiser u are..as this day passes ..

Hdk

Knowledge is Eternity .