August 28

Have you ever felt like a container of memories, a jar might be a better word/ Jars labeled with our names, when you unwind the lid and peek inside you see memories floating like clouds, soft cotton clouds at the top - light as they can be blown away with a gentle breeze - like a memory of chewing food this morning - insignificant. As you rummage through the jar, giving it a slight shake to mix the contents you also notice a water cloud, a thunder cloud, a cyclonic pool of gangsta clouds, and maybe a couple who sneak at who`s looking and go back in, like the thing you have under your bed, you try to reach it but your hand's too short, like a baby who`d only come to you if it wants to...

I`ve had those glimpses, but like everything going inside your head, you can never be too sure - if its all made up or if its all real or both, everything can and cannot happen - 

16 Jan2016..

I'm disowning myself.. Doesn't that sound like the right thing to do..Like letting myself do whatever i want and lose accountability, like how it is with the children. I want to get out of my body and all its little limitations, i want to jump from a roof and not smash, just fall hard, i don't want to know anything anymore, except the winter cold and the shivering .. The winter is homely, i can sleep so well. 

19 Dec 2015...

I dislike idleness,like this current moment,  like a river, abruptly being stopped, dammed, damned, it makes me think,about life, i don't like that. Am trying to understand what's happening, these things around me, I'm trying to understand this longing, this immense incompleteness, it beats with these heart beats, this echoing the thumping,  every passing moment, it is monstrously trying to swallow me and I'm letting it, but it wont, no matter how much i entice it, reveal its true nature.   I'm incomplete in my entirety. ....

Next day morning...

My mind wrote a monologue.. Must have been 10 pages long..i won't ofcourse type that..

When i got down at the station..these tides brought me down, no matter how much i resist, the temptation to wallow down in oceans of this nostalgic waste, broke me down and i saw the little that is left of me hit the ocean floor with a thud..

.....

Mmm aah arch..

7th march -

Grief, id go on a limb and say is the only honest, unadulterated, unsaturated emotion I've left to feel..
I derive this conclusion from actions.. Actions which broke promises.. Dinner sobs... Incredible change in plans..

13 March...

When asked what i was upto.. I replied uprooting myself..

*between changing addresses

14 March

I dreamt i was sleeping..

Somewhere this week or last or next.. I finished the unbearable lightness of being..I'm Franz or Sabina or Tomas or Tereza or Karenin....more Karenin i wish

I vish

19 March..

Dark intimacy...

Its dark because its weightless..its light.. An unattached feather..in its aimless flight

Do we need to go somewhere?

20 March

When i don't write, i feel full..i can't digest food, im breathless, I'm.. dumb stupid and restless.. More restless

I'm an abandoned rail road..amidst a jungle..

(For the lesser privileged reader.. It was meant to go somewhere.. Maybe it went somewhere.. But somewhere along the way..the forest became a home.. Get it?)

Ain't no sunshine keeps playing in a hideous tune in the background

The day today

I can tolerate everyone but myself..

Windows opened, breeze was felt, the sun shone, like a ghost creeped in, there was a throne .. I walked, sat on it.. I was king

Everything confuses me

The incomprehensibility reached a summit and almost at that very instance reached a sudden depth..and asked me where i wanted her to be..

I told her i dont understand.. Everything confuses me, immensely.. sincerely.. Theres no foul play, please, i don't understand

My weak knees, they gave way as comprehension on quicksand, collapsed and was swallowed in its own knowledge.. Ignorance he said was bliss...

Incomprehension was misunderstood

...

Goodbye Severus! - I`m raising my wand for you.

My intense need to sob got fulfilled when news told me Alan Rickman had passed. Potter was the first book i picked when i began dreaming, dreaming through books, Snape was the first man whom i started dis-liking, from my deepest trenches, Snape was the first man who taught me that your intentions are more important than your actions. After all this time and through the 7 books, he got a permanent place within my being.

It saddens me that the person who personified Snape is dead, Snape was killed in the books and i grieved, but by then i had grown up - i knew my favorite version of reality was a dream. Today it suffered another blow, it seems someone i knew personally and spoke to is dead - maybe Snape was someone I talked to when i did an ugly thing with good intentions.

Snape was my hero and that hero is no more today and so i`m crying in my little corner. The world, somebody wrote, is the place we prove real by dying in it

To the man who died - be at peace Alan and thank you!