..what am i turning into

15/07/2015:

I mentally updated this note every month - the worthlessness of this entire exercise, my own relentless background noise (and it grows even chaotic when i try to muster courage to do this) and this everlasting powerlessness.

What do you do when the doctor asks you to get up and look outside and take a walk - or atleast try and get up or atleast think about trying to get up, to atleast think.

 I dont like people coming over to visit when i am sick, I dont like people visiting, it turns into a monologue where i m compelled to entertain them, I dont like doing that - its a great mental effort

I am not bored though - i wonder why, I get angry, I have become rude, as a person - i wonder why
 incompetence is something i cannot see the sight of - I wonder a lot things.

The day i fell sick - I felt i was not present anywhere where my body was - for one distinct moment i felt i wasn't there in that same place. i felt my eyes being sucked in - it felt good that i wasn`t here.

Over all of this - its not raining - i want rains, I want rains so bad - I might even pray. I have a lot of results coming up in the next few days - I am not excited - nothing excites me.

I end up asking the same question every single time, what am i turning into - a giant narcissistic baboon - cause despite all of this, my love for my own self has not waned. I wonder why

21/02/15:

I am here, between the shadows, walking, with my weak legs - A sense of dread, a calling, accompanies me. The ringing in the ears does not die, it follows me, like a master trails a slave - a slave, which is his last possession, he doesnot remember what else he holds, owns. Except the slave, except this ringing. 

Forgetfulness is now a way of life. Its that master - who wouldn't know what to do with the slave except to keep walking with him. This blind static, has thus, become my partner, my owner- through a life lived within a thin existence and this burning in the bones.. 

This ringing, is thus, a  distraction - there's times when i forget what things are called, there's times when i forget forgetting, there's times when the second takes an hour to tick and pauses - puffs,looks around for help, is breathless and then, in this moment of weakness - takes a giant leap towards the next and falls into the abyss, a second thus, is lost; those are my worst moments, else, I'm happy with this ringing - this gentle static which keeps telling me I'm still here and i have to walk..take the leap, live.

-what am i turning into?

21/01/15:

2 am. 21st January.

The day passed,14 hours, me and the monitor at work. My system. There, i believe, is a reason its called so - my system.

I'm home and am the mirror is staring back at me. Sunken eyes ask, with a pregnant pause. What am i turning into?

My indifference to the magnificence around me, lack of will - to raise my head - sluggishly - to people who open their mouths, smelling like gates of hell, disregarding the need for nutrition.

To not add words to meaning less diary notes - words which seethe of   my  dry, bony, ironic - existence and the pain, this inscrutable pain

-what am i turning into?

Train Station

A visit to the train station, early in the morning

board a train to the silly clouds or to the wise sea trenches.. to the dark lands of hysteria or to the cheerful forest branches..

board a train towards the mighty heavens, where brave old men of yore dwell.. Or to the loathsome, the spiteful, ignorant yet funny men yell - the vulgar hell..

Take a train to some place goddammit.. Take a train, get away from this narrow shell.

Hdk

Darkness

Lights on the coffee house sparkled, the quiet, almost mum, darkness, blended in.

Psychedelically, they both it seemed were having a conversation about life and its various shades..

When the conversation turned to darkness, turning on the shore of lights, to have a good time, when darkness just started to curl up that grin someone pulled the plug...

And darkness plunged and it all quietly ended - the melancholy of the dark was not seen in the absence of light..

No one ever knew !

hdk

Are we all, just the same??

A calming sea framed
Rippling water under it, tamed

Trees hide for cover..
Let the sea monster hover..

Beneath the blue pane..
A question driving me insane

Whats beyond the cover
Whats beyond the frame..

Am i the ruler or am i the slave
Am i boundless or am i just the sa ne?

 Let the sea monster hover..
Let me be its game..

Theres no fun in sanity..
Theres no taming, I've got no name..

Ask the stars, do they shine in vain?
Ask them, are we all just the same?

Hdk

The Mood

The mood is to twirl the universe -
gulp it in, one swallow..

The mood is to choke on it -
show it,  i ain't so hollow..

The mood is an everlasting
state of high..

This mood is,
at the end of my sigh..

The mood is to befriend gravity.
not comply..

The mood is to free fall,
in ecstasy i fly .

The mood is to take another swallow -
this time.

i die -

the universe is me - this mood is vile

Hdk

Hindi : Mai baitha hu yaahan

Mai baitha hu yahan..
Meri kaynat ko simat kar

Mai baitha hu yahan..
Meri aah ko lipat kar..

Mai baitha hu yahan.. Aasma ki sateh par..

Zameen khilkhilati neeche.. Dhalte suraj ki chamak par..

Mai baitha hu yahan..
Gairo ki tarah..

Inn sitaro k beech..
Iss jag magati mehfil k beech..

Mai baitha hu yahan..
Baitha hi raha..

Kayanat guzar gayi..
Meri ruuh bhatak gayi..

Mai baitha hi raha..
Jannat guzar gayi ..
Meri maut bhatak gayi.

Hdk

Dreams

castle's locked down..
Silent, without a sound

Dull, dark and quiet..
Magnificent grey abound..

 kid runs along..
Mom, look what i found..

 forest, dense, green..
Found sleeping..on a mound,

A breathless,
Tired hound

Gunshot wound,
The human mass on the ground..

They said its Worth a pound..

A prisoner,his chain's off -
Why won't he walk around

Kid comes back again,
Mom, look what i found.

Come back,
Turn around

Hdk

The man - again

I stay curled. Nothing haunts me like my own mind. Thoughts which are nothing but endless streams of recollections - broken, bleached, rusted collections.

When i am alone, the man wakes up - looks around, is disgusted - steers a look at the man - within whom he resides - i give him a faint smile. Is that the best you can do?

When i am alone, i feel i am not. For   theres my conceit, my deception - my misguided life, standing, staring.  Is this all you sum up to?

Did i have 10 minutes of pure emotion this year?
Was i awake for even 5 minutes during this entire ordeal?
Everyday i feel i am completely finished, and then there's the next.

Then there's this beastly longing, this long for answers - an order among all the chaos - a center - for i am but a planet yo-yoing around in empty space without a sun - without gravity. I am but into an infinite free fall - there's a dull, soft thud - the lights are switched off.. The man curls back - turns around - to sleep

Hdk

Beach

Why.

My feet, the damp,
cold,
mild sand.

Tiny particles decided to act together and land on my feet at every step.

Was i walking or the sand calling me, absorbing itself and then me in the next step.

Rolling over and letting me go - in circles

In circles they revolved..
Tidal waves evolved..
Burying sorrows in their depths.. ..
the shores dissolved..

With passing tide it held...
The unsure shore -
its wicked sand...

The waves kept trying,
loving them,
in every bend..

Sand looked over -
to love,
is to pretend.

Hdk

Blobbed bulb

The hour closed, the bulb kept flickering..

 Flicker flicker,
 it begged for death -
 as it was humiliated for its sickening attempt to live..

 Flicker, flicker,
 it held on,
 to breathe -  unmerciful death pondered at its every heave

 It moaned..it groaned..

 In a distance - the bright moon shone.. With visible white teeth when it smiled.. The light bulb flickers..
 Alas it dies

 The moon shrugged off,
overlooking the disintegrating world..

 While the sun burned down..

The moon.
.losing gravity ..
swirled..
Its end of the world..

 Flicker flicker..
 Flicker on and twirl..

Hdk

To be with the unliving

I wish to walk in a cemetery..be with the unliving ..pour myself into them . for i think they'll realize.. they'll understand this magnificent nothing.. my sparkling darkness and this fear..this fear which bulges beyond the bounds of my trembling mind..

I think, but well in fact, I know they will hear about my condition and nod their heads.. One of them will say i felt that too... There'll be a murmur when I'll start talking about this unbearable emptiness.. This craving.. this immense lightness...which has me floating aimlessly - like air, but air still has direction

For one moment i die, the other moment i wish i was dead. For my death did not kill me..

And so i walk into my cemetery tonight.. Looking for friends.. Looking for a life, staring into the beyond and there after

Hdk

Few good men !!

In defense of a few good men.

Moments ago, I finished reading an extensively descriptive article about 2 different women of this country. One experimenting, the other, being experimented on. The former is on a quest of dating 50 men and the latter on the whims of a distrustful father is opting for an arranged marriage.

I have heard, read and spoken about innumerable such stories looking at the way things are and could be, however, from the perspective of a woman. Surprisingly, I haven`t come across a single male-centric article on the issue. So I wondered and asked around other fellow gentlemen why, the answers I got were

• ·         We are men, we watch football and drink beer (I`d personally prefer whisky and when the woman on me awakens she asks for espresso vodka – (not being sexist))
• ·         I don`t understand what you are talking about – is this got to do with the new playboy edition
• ·         If I do write about something like this, a feminist will take a single line out of context and screw my life and probably my writing career – they are too touchy about it (rightly so) – but it is hard to write it in a politically correct way – that we do CARE – at least some of us do

             I take up the mantle, not more than 5 people are gonna read this, but well, I have to write.

             Having spoken to and being in the community of men, I have heard disappointing, blood-boiling, funny, fresh, down-right dumb etc tales on what women are for men, and the broader issue of marriage (the licence to have sex). (Right now, I think, a marriage, is an idea who`s time has gone, we need to move on and as a civilization look for something beyond – never mind about that now)

 But let me tell you, there is an increase in these new breed of men, who think and want to move beyond definition – but are fearful at the backlash of the community, at the stereotype we men are supposed to follow and to add not many women are accommodating that. Personally, I just know handfuls who acknowledge it.

What stereotype? the one with man who`s got a swim-suit body and who`s just out of the gym, the raw bull, the beer guzzling – yelling out loud, unaccommodating yet chivalrous, the smart yet cute, the workman who fixes mechanical instruments (magically) and to top it all knows all that is to know about a computer hardware/software/patches/programs/tools everything – you the get the idea. And the one I personally hate – is the idea of a man who constantly has to sing and dance and crack jokes just to let the woman not be bored. So here`s to all those men – who do all this, not out of heart – but just to “fit in” –

“Get a life !!”

We are not born as your play toys, we are not nothing if we do not have a fat bank balance, we are not as Tyler puts it right – the all singing all dancing crap of this world, if we admire how beautiful you look – don’t hate us, if we ask you out – don`t call us perverts, if we read and have fat bellys don`t call us undesirable or shabby.

Indian men socially, are as fucked up as women – just because they have to :

• ·         Study hard, get good grades so they are deemed intelligent
• ·         + get a fat bank account, keep looking decent, belly tucked in -  to marry a girl (the thot disgusts me)
• ·         Fight/compete with I don`t know – a billion other men to get a good job to accomplish all this
• ·         Get a house for themselves (look at the real estate prices) and then plan to settle down (and die)
• Let me tell you, its not easy being a man in this country, and to be a good man its increasingly difficult and improbable. I`m not saying have pity on us, nor am I saying we`re more anguished than you women. All I’m saying is we are almost as screwed up as you, we hate all the dogma`s that tie both the man and the woman down and we have to live up to the shallow ideals just like you women do

So don`t hate us, don`t hate the guy who just looked at you and smiled, smile back at him and make his day for what it`s worth.  

The time to wake up from this sordid dream, I believe has come. To be unbound, unchained and to pursue, chase, follow, run, swim – to do and be impulsive at every passing second, be it man, woman, child.

The idea is to be, just, be.

He for she for as much as she for he.

**I`d want to be a woman in the next run, just to see how things turn out.

Enough said.

hdk

PS:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EiIxkOah09E

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bdPqGLB18js

THE APOLOGY

Having said all that above, to add to it – I apologize.

• I apologize for that piece of shit who made you think twice before wearing that beautiful dress
• I apologize for the men who don`t make you feel safe on the roads
•  I apologize for men who look at you the wrong way
• I apologize for men who say "she has good boobs, i`ll marry her !!" , when they say they want to marry just to have a licence to have sex
•  Not being the white knight – but those are due to`s for which this note saw the light of day, else i`d be reading Kafka –  so I hate them as much as you do.

How long

I breathed out..

These months..these years..breathing in..in ..

deeply..
gulping..

minute by minute..choking..
gulping again..
down the throat..

slowly ..
accumulating..
piling up..

a sense of dismay..
a scene of destruction..
a groan of pain..
but still breathing in..

no - no - no -
yes..
breathe in -
the waters to be turned off - or risk the damn bursting out..

but who controls the rain..
it keeps building..
a beast chained..scarred..

the madness in his eyes.. Aaaarggghhhh...

a structure - beaten - demolished - by the powerful - the iron ball crashing - the structure still standing ...

How long

Hdk

Disgrace

The mad man crouches,
Burns,
Yearns,
debouches,

 has no shelter,
running helter skelter,

the world around him
 doesnot, get their banter,

scared he is.. being out in the open..
the people around - surround,
my shell reopen,

hides his face,
with palms, efface..

call`s himself..
disgrace
deface..

Disgraced..
Defaced.

Escaped.

hdk

To dream a dream

Then came a dream he loved, he wished he lived it – he drowned in it – as a calming melody hit him, he let himself loose in the harmony of the things surrounding him

Folks said he died in his sleep whence he had but found what he was looking for – the eyes finally saw what they longed – all their lifetime. Ages had passed, and when the gleam was flickering and aiming for a final flutter – came this wonderful sight. He tried to clasp a hand around it, like time it scattered. 

Tried to keep his feet firm, like quicksand it gulped – nudged him in. Tried to take one last look, like love – it left him.

There came a final sigh, a final aah – and to dream a dream he died.

Hdk

Undead

The cold steel was at my heart.. My heart..If that's what you call the beating red thing..the sword hilt in my hand as i creaked it right through the cage that held it.

I had stabbed myself

I was falling

Abandoning the world i didn't want to come back to..

I heard the wind lull me to sleep..as i fell, felt as she touched my lips to hear that last gasp...

 as gravity , too tired of sucking.  ...
refused to accept me..
gave up on me..
and
i was there..
stuck..
In between..

There was no death, where there was no life.

My joy of dying was short lived..there are some who die happy.. there are some who are happy at the thot of dying and there are those in between - not knowing - not knowing

I did hear Dante reciting his Canto 9 to me:

O you possessed of sturdy intellects,the teaching that is hidden here

sotto 'l velame de li versi strani.

beneath the veil of verses so obscure.

I was beneath and above the verses so obscure

Inferno-Purgatorio-Pardiso ..

haha Parody or so?

Hdk

The 100+ friends i made these 25 years

1 HarryPotter and the Philosophers Stone JK Rowling read
2 The memoirs of a geisha Arthur Golden read
3 Wings of Fire Abdul Kalam read
4 Mein Kampf Adolf Hitler partly
5 The immortals of Meluha Amish Tripathi read
6 Secret of the nagas Amish Tripathi read
7 Oath of the vayuputras Amish Tripathi read
8 Sherlock Holmes Arthur Conan Doyle read
9 The god of small things Arundhati Roy read
10 White tiger Arvind Adiga read
11 The fountainhead Ayn Rand read
12 Atlas Shrugged Ayn Rand read
13 Virtues of Selfishness Ayn Rand partly
14 Anthem Ayn Rand partly
15 We the Living Ayn Rand partly
16 The new intellectual Ayn Rand partly
17 The romantic manifesto Ayn Rand partly
18 Living with a wild god Barbara Ehrenreich read
19 5 pt someone Chetan Bhagat read
20 2 states Chetan Bhagat read
21 Revolution 2020 Chetan Bhagat read
22 A grief observed CS Lewis read
23 Tales of Narnia CS Lewis read
24 The Da Vinci Code Dan Brown read
25 Deception Point Dan Brown read
26 Lost Symbol Dan Brown read
27 Inferno Dan Brown read
28 Digital Fortress Dan Brown read
29 Angels and Demons Dan Brown read
30 The divine comedy Dante Alighieri read
31 the famous five Enid Blyton read
32 the secret seven Enid Blyton read
33 the hardy brothers Franklin Dixon read
34 Letters to Milena Franz Kafka read
35 Metamorphosis Franz Kafka read
36 The great wall of china Franz Kafka read
37 The day of the Jackal Frederick Forsyth read
38 Thus Spake Zarathustra Friedrich Nietzsche pending
39 Beyond Good and Evil Friedrich Nietzsche partly
40 On the genealogy of morals Friedrich Nietzsche pending
41 Twilight of the idols Friedrich Nietzsche pending
42 Crime and Punishment Fyodor Dostoyevsky reading
43 The Brothers Karamazov Fyodor Dostoyevsky reading
44 The Idiot Fyodor Dostoyevsky reading
45 Notes from the underground Fyodor Dostoyevsky reading
46 One hundred years of solitude Gabriel Marquez reading
47 Poems by Lord Byron George Byron reference
48 The time machine H G Wells read
49 The polyester prince Hamish Macdonald read
50 To kill a mockingbird Harper Lee read
51 HarryPotter and the Chamber of Secrets JK Rowling read
52 HarryPotter and the prisoner of Azkaban JK Rowling read
53 Harry Potter and the goblet of fire JK Rowling read
54 HarryPotter and the order of the phoenix JK Rowling read
55 HarryPotter and the half blood prince JK Rowling read
56 HarryPotter and the deathly hallows JK Rowling read
57 The Brethren John Grisham read
58 The painted house John Grisham read
59 the firm John Grisham read
60 Ford country stories John Grisham read
61 The Broker John Grisham read
62 The Associate John Grisham read
63 Poems by Keats John Keats reference
64 Gullivers Travels Jonathan Swift read
65 Sophie`s World Jostien Gaarder reading
66 Lord of the rings JRR read
67 The prophet Kahlil Gibran read
68 Madman Kahlil Gibran read
69 Spirits Rebellious Kahlil Gibran read
70 The kite runner Kaled Hosseni read
71 A thousand splendid suns Kaled Hosseni read
72 Capital Karl Marx partly
73 Eye of the needle Ken Follett read
74 The company of woman Khushwant Singh read
75 The inheritance of loss Kiran Desai read
76 The Tibetian Book of the dead Lama Kazi Dawa-Samdu read
77 The sorrows of satan Marie Corelli reading
78 The Godfather Mario Puzo read
79 Jurassic Park Michael Crichton read
80 Timeline Michael Crichton read
81 The Lost World Michael Crichton read
82 Congo Michael Crichton read
83 Prey Michael Crichton read
84 Shock Doctrine Naomi Klien read
85 No Logo Naomi Klien reading
86 The ascent of money Niall Ferguson partly
87 In the line of fire Parvez Musharaff read
88 Malgudi Days RK Narayan read
89 Rich dad Poor Dad Robert Kiyosaki read
90 Midnights Children Salman Rushdie pending
91 Satanic Verses Salman Rushdie pending
92 Dilbert Scott Adams read
93 The interpretation of dreams Sigmund Freud read
94 Who moved by cheese Spencer Johnson read
95 A brief history of time Stephen Hawking read
96 Lajja Taslima Nasreen read
97 Man`s search for meaning Viktor Frankl read
98 To the lighhouse Virginia Woolf reading
99 Shakespeare - all stories William Shakespeare read
100 Life of Pi Yann Martel read
101 Man And Spirit:The Speculative Philosopher Saxe Commins,Robert Linscott
102 The Story of Philosophy William Durant

103 Les Miserables Victor Hugo

Undiminished and Trembling

Undiminished..

Is it same as not diminished.. I wouldn't know.. My callousness..has grown exponentially the past few months.. Not caring ..has made me unpredictable..My boss says.. He doesn't want me to be this easy.. This casual.. He doesn't like such people, who can work..

It seems all this while I have a death wish.a desire to finish. A wish to end the world,..the way I see it, if I die my world does too.. And to glorify it I say end of world..

That's one side of the scales, the other is this maddening intense and soul crushing desire to live .. There isnt a fragrance I have missed..

Do you know the second before the flower fragrance hits..is the second of unlove.. The moment of not knowing..it's the second before jumping of that rock into the seas or below the mountains... or the second before my bone dry mind is flooded with your thots..

Coz everytime you live you die..

The unknown is powerful..knowing weakens you. And I still take d plunge.. Plunging to my thousands deaths with it..

So i am as alive as I'm dead..and that's y sometimes I turnoff.. I am a stone and sometimes I m the peacock who wants to mate in the middle of a stormy night..

After all this..there's you..

There's so much of you..and there`s a little of me..trembling.

Hdk

A happy note - supposedly

I hear d crickets croaking..
the frogs buzzing..
There's wind in my hair..
and here I lay my heart bare..

It looks like rain ..
 the probable end of pain...
This has to be a happy poem..
coz I promised a woman - the bane..

The birds are chirping
singing a happy song..
It won't be long
before the summer hues are gone..

The thunderous showers...
d wonderous rains..
.the promise of happy times ..
of no pains and only gains

hdk

Setting the cage free

Fog settled down, the whitish hue which had trapped the wind, mildly undressed, setting her free. There are some cages which keep you safe, there are some which set you free, there are some who are caged within the prisoner - but they all tie you down - keep a part of you - cause the prisoner is the soul of the cage and what is a cage if not for the prisoner.

So why seek freedom - i ask ? Why such hue and cry - when the cage caresses wounds - she puts me to sleep - she's full of stories and songs - of her longings and all that`s locked up with her - being a cage is not easy she says - people despise her - she`s sad.

I wouldn`t join the world`s chorus about the cliched freedom - for my mind seeks out the cage, wants to cage it within myself - for then i`ll be cage and i`ll be the prisoner too and then won`t both of us be free - for our freedom is in setting our love free -

setting the cage free.

Hdk

When it rains

It rained..

It's amazing how a few drops of water ...
can wash off a life time of grief..

How the dark clouds
bring abundance of joy...

How d clogged brain..
slowly ...
unclogs and cleans...

How d memories..
sticky and grey .
which never budged..
suddenly un-sticks..
leaving just a shadow
of its past..

How like d sunbeam..
a small ray of light falls...
on a body too weak ...
and melts all d ice beneath...

How a gust of wind ...
pulls with it a layer of dust and the surface
is clean again...

How lightening ..
like a father
asks u to amend ur ways...

How brown
turns green
and bears fruits..

How a tiny droplet..
wid a dream too big..
fulfils it
and designs d rainbow


Hdk

To paradise I walked..

To paradise I walked..
Thru hell was the road..
Thru purgatory it passed..

Their ain't no monsters..there was no Satan...pestilence too had his day off...
But one I met..
God's own favorite..

.the one wid the sins ..
The one with the whine..
the botched tongue..
wicked mind ..
intentions cruel..
Eyes blind
The one who believed in.self destruction..
It was him who I had to fight..
to reach my heaven..

Humans.

Hdk

Sounds

There are 3 I heard all through the day.

The whooshing wind
The ticking clock
Myself breathe.

The wind blew over,
time passed,
I am still breathing.

The blown-over wind,
The battery-less clock,
The breath-less lungs

Hdk

Superhero within..

I recently discovered that its ok for me to give up the pretense of being sane and not do something ordinary and also the fact that there is a superhero within me – I just had to discover it. So I sit down – grab a notepad and track down what superhero I could be. Batman and Ironman had a lot of money. I didn’t – so there was no way I could build a fancy suit and kick ass so that is in the dump. I aint from a different planet so Superman too is out of the table. Altough I think I have a weakness for kryptonite and I need to check my origins. Spider bites didn’t work, nor does gamma radiation, I cant be Thor although I consider myself to be a god and the other super-heroes are just not good enough for me. So I concluded the conventional one`s not possible. What next.

So I  did some soul searching and thought of what were my strongest qualities  - below is the brief list:

Sarcasm

Hot Body

My writing skills

Intuition

And many more, and while I was delving on  this I realized my one super-power – Farting . I think my body has an endless supply of foul –smelly- nose hair burning gas – which I could use to tear the evil of the world apart and it was something I could do anytime any place – it was a Super power. It was an eye opener.

So I decided to share this super power with the world – unlike all the superheroes (jerks) I would like to empower everyone in this world with this superpower and destroy all evil. There is a wonderful potion which you can brew to activate this superpower.

Following are the ingredients and qualities you need :

Pudina leaves

A burner

Water

Rock salt (the one they use in Supernatural)

Self control and some Gas/air.

Steps : Boil the pudina leaves in water using a burner for 15 minutes as the water turns green (hulk green) – add some rock salt – and drink the potion in one breath. As the water flows down you food pipe to the stomach and the gastric juice in the stomach starts protein digestion and as all of this happens you will feel a surge of excitement rising within you. You will feel light as all the gas in your body is slowly accumulating as ammo ready to be fired and any evil you wish to annihilate and thus rises within you a hero who is now ready to face the world and challenge its existence.

The same goes for burping too more on it next time..

Hdk

Blur...

What do you do when each day you realize you are going mad, when every passing second you feel will blow you off – when each passing second you feel you`ve hung all along and a gust would tear you apart and rip out scathed soul.

The muffled moan..the silent cry.. The thoughts of sea and the dying sigh Every second breath You wonder why. You cry you sigh Losing the ideals high The worlds blown over Eyes are dry A soul-less man A fire-less eye The starless sky

Incomplete

Hdk

Now

As the seizure ends and u r back on ground ..
U wonder wat u lost and u wonder wats around..

Ever wondered d healers injure too..
Ever wondered d cloud thunder too ..would destroy wat u had..the sane mind and d dreamers road ahead...

The sleep which makes d dream would suddenly wake up and bac u are picking on d ruins of a dreams which u thot was a life..

This was to b d swan song.. But there's more to me..

-Hdk


Dying all the time lose ur dreams and u will lose ur mind. - A.Roy

winter thots

It would be nice if u have someone to cuddle up to.. To smell her morning hair as sunlight brushes her face and then she looks at u and winks and u love d playful gaze.. A child's hidden in her..somewhere down d maze..her smell enthralls me as autumn..like d green autumn day.. U hear her laughing out ..running down d pines..and then it's heaven right there..right in front of sight.. Her eyes tell u all this and wiser u are..as this day passes ..

Hdk

Still life

The air
The leaf
The brain

The bird song too is brazen..

While d numbness spreads..
Beyond d thots.. into heads..

While I try to speak..
All words too meek...

d heart beat..
stops ..
takes a seat..

Nothing moves...
Not d horses nor their hooves..

The clock ticks..
The same second.
Repeats

It's a paused moment..

look around..
The sky..d ground..

Nothing changes..
Still life arranges..

U blink
It repeats
The air
The leaf
The brain

Keeps freezing.

Hdk

Let me

Let me take away this one last day...

Let me try and recreate d spring day...

Let there b no regrets my love..

Let me try n bring back my lost love...

Let me not cry this one day...

Let me sing for u and make dis a good day..

Let me see u sparkle ..

in d sun..

let me hold ur hand

while v r on d run...

Let me rip apart all dat i hate..

Let me just.rightfully make my claim..

Let me show d world i can b happy too...

Let me show u..u can b happy too..

Let me unwind from all d messy weeds..

Let me fly and show d world my deeds..

Let me love u ..b u and show u all d right..let me clean all d dust from d night...

Let me n u try and live one day..like people in love who cry for one another each day...

Let me break apart all d silly boundaries..

let me show u .. 

How much

i truly care.. 

Without u 

i cant b truly there...

Let show u how wat u say matters too..

Let me show u we can clean d blur...

Let me teach u how to hope..

Let me tell u how this will never stop...of how i cry each time u shut d shop..

HDK

Contrast

It is d winters cold...

On a cloudy night...

...a man alone ..

... Theres no one in sight..

He walks around..

In d moon light

Theres a shadow behind..

Just walkin tight..

Crawling around...

Converging inside...

It wants to b ...

Bac in plain sight

The man so sure...

Walked unbind..

Wind blowing...leaves rustling..

The savage weather ..so unkind...

The greens r white.. 

It would b a snowy night...

He walked on 

unruffled.. 

unharmed..

The wind blew hard ...

It froze his feet...

He smiled and moved on..

Coz wat bothered him was d mornin heat..

The sun hit him...

And d beam burned..

For night was his realm ...

Where he beat made his claim..

Unruly..

Unkind..

Was wat he could deal wid..

Hdk

Unedited

Unfinished

Solar Flare

Altough he is the sun...the sun..
the mighty son...
the powerful one..

He burns he burns
he never yearns...
the light bearer of mass taverns

 The people weak look up to him....
he lightens the sky - the sun beam..
 The darker nights ...
The evil dreams...
He kills them all ..from light year realms...

But they don't kno..this protector beam...
Has wounds too deep .. Has wounds too deep...
 He bleeds all day ..in nights he screams..
Volcanoes burn ..in his sordid realms..

He blasts his wall ...
The halls he tears..
 But the pains keeps rearing its ugly head...

 He burns all down and wrecks his lair..
.but down its just a solar flare..a solar flare.

HDK

it begins where it ends

You want role-models in life.. someone you want to look up to.. I never found someone in real life..so i looked for them in fiction.. and i found plenty. Its amazing how you create someone you want to look up to by just writing about it .. by creating a world around it and by fitting that world according to the role model..I tried doing that too..

I started writing about it and immersed myself in that process .. I wrapped myself with that thought and let it take control of me.. every action I did was to conform to that idea and every-way i reacted was to its norms..  I designed my world to respond to it and let him take control... to a point where I was him and he was me. Reality was a dream and the dream was the reality.. Wen you let an idea take control of u ..everything else is a blur..Imperfection is eliminated and so is every thing that does not fit..and wen you see your life from the role-models perspective you are ashamed of ursef.. you are ashamed to look at wat you have become from what your potential was.. you tell him that u wer forced to do it coz of circumstances .. of how weak u became by it all that one day you snapped and recoiled...you cry and beg for forgiveness. u want to let it all go .. but then how can u forgive ur own self.. how can u kno wat u did was not meant to be done whilst doing it..who would decide wat is right and wat is wrong .. wen u are your own role model .. whom do you then look up to..then isn`t wat is happening supposed to happen !!

    This is where the dream ends...sometimes u want the dream to continue .. u try to bring it bac ..but it never does...but then again ,,was it really a dream or this is a dream right now ...

HDK

PS : Thats why yu write.. so that the role model is not lost..tat once in a squeaky cupboard you find an old diary and u can look and let  him rise again.. although he is now obscure and gone from the imagination.. u read about him and let him take control again..the fictional role model :)

Gandhinagar Cyber Cafe

 I m sitting in a dingy cyber cafe ... where the air smells of smoke ..(make me unconformatbl bcoz of my asthma) .. the owner of the cafe decides who sits where and i`m ordered to sit in the center of the cafe..i have to keep the keyboard parallel to the monitor .. i dont like that and the distance between the chair and the keyboard is annoying.. I dont like that either.. there is a freak next to me who`s reading everything I write..I want to punch his face..anyways .. now that annoying cyber cafe owner is playing pathetic music... I want to punch him too..

The chair has no cushions.. I cant rest my hands..I dont like the mouse coz the wheel in between is non responsive... the keyboard is too rough..I cant believe I cycled 4 kms for this..

I dont have internet at my place and nor do I have a laptop...

Just a few of the many of things i hate  

...Grief

He was inconsolable tat night..
he wept like never before..

A chunk of him was dead tat night..
a sight never seen before..

travelling away from the city he was born..

 this city had given him everything..defined who he was..
tonite it took away everything..and it didn`t blink once...

he cried for his love..
he moaned all alone..

A loner for life was wat lay before..
the endless road..
the sunless sky..

a surge of despair and pain..
of shrieks and and a life in vain..

the world flashed by ..

Khayyam...Book of Love

The bird of life is singing on the bough
His two eternal notes of "I and Thou"—
O! hearken well, for soon the song sings through,
And, would we hear it, we must hear it now.

The bird of life is singing in the sun,
Short is his song, nor only just begun,—
A call, a trill, a rapture, then—so soon!—
A silence, and the song is done—is done.

Yea! What is man that deems himself divine?
Man is a flagon, and his soul the wine;
Man is a reed, his soul the sound therein;
Man is a lantern, and his soul the shine.

Would you be happy! hearken, then, the way:
Heed not To-morrow, heed not Yesterday;
The magic words of life are Here and Now—
O fools, that after some to-morrow stray!

Were I a Sultan, say what greater bliss
Were mine to summon to my side than this,—
Dear gleaming face, far brighter than the moon!
O Love! and this immortalizing kiss.

To all of us the thought of heaven is dear—
Why not be sure of it and make it here?
No doubt there is a heaven yonder too,
But 'tis so far away—and you are near.

Men talk of heaven,—there is no heaven but here;
Men talk of hell,—there is no hell but here;
Men of hereafters talk, and future lives,—
O love, there is no other life—but here.

Look not above, there is no answer there;
Pray not, for no one listens to your prayer;
Near is as near to God as any Far,
And Here is just the same deceit as There.

But here are wine and beautiful young girls,
Be wise and hide your sorrows in their curls,
Dive as you will in life's mysterious sea,
You shall not bring us any better pearls.

Of all my seeking this is all my gain:
No agony of any mortal brain
Shall wrest the secret of the life of man;
The Search has taught me that the Search is vain.

Allah, perchance, the secret word might spell;
If Allah be, He keeps His secret well;
What He hath hidden, who shall hope to find?
Shall God His secret to a maggot tell?

Yet sometimes on a sudden all seems clear—
Hush! hush! my soul, the Secret draweth near;
Make silence ready for the speech divine—
If Heaven should speak, and there be none to hear!

The Koran! well, come put me to the test—
Lovely old book in hideous error drest—
Believe me, I can quote the Koran too,
The unbeliever knows his Koran best.

“Did God set grapes a-growing, do you think,
And at the same time make it sin to drink?
Give thanks to HIM who foreordained it thus—
Surely HE loves to hear the glasses clink!”

From God’s own hand this earthly vessel came,
He shaped it thus, be it for fame or shame;
If it be fair—to God be all the praise,
If it be foul—to God alone the blame

So since with all my passion and my skill,
The world's mysterious meaning mocks me still,
Shall I not piously believe that I
Am kept in darkness by the heavenly will?

And do you think that unto such as you,
A maggot-minded, starved, fanatic crew,
God gave the Secret, and denied it me?—
Well, well, what matters it! believe that too.

Old Khayyám, say you, is a debauchee;
If only you were half so good as he!
He sins no sins but gentle drunkenness,
Great-hearted mirth, and kind adultery.

But yours the cold heart, and the murderous tongue,
The wintry soul that hates to hear a song,
The close-shut fist, the mean and measuring eye,
And all the little poisoned ways of wrong.

So I be written in the Book of Love,
I have no care about that book above;
Erase my name, or write it, as you please—
So I be written in the Book of Love.


Omar Khayyam

Chaos

And then he breaks up..there's carnage... 
He knows hez meant for d fire...
for being burnt..for being in hell
 Punished for reasons he knows not
 A few days under d shade
and then it's bac
 He grinds there each day..
waiting for d sun to rise
 Toiling in d dark..
his tearful eyes on d horizon
 He's been.waiting for d sun since a 100 year'
s D hope gleams each day and den dims
 A life wid regrets..unfulfilled wishes and a broken heart
 He dreams of a green garden a gushin river a good house
 He wakes up to a ravaged terrain..an ugly drain and and a broken home
 He calls it a home because he sleeps there..
 D world is crumbling and he knows.that..and it will be soon wen he decides..
 A decision on would he perish wid d world or before it...

...hdk..

something in hindi

Is khali zindagi k aashiyane mai...

main aise khamosh baitha hoon..

koi umeed ka saharaa liye..

mai har din guzaar raha hon



kab aayegi woh khushi..

us din k intezaar main jeeye jaa raha hun..

is zindagi se mujhe kya chahiye..

woh sawaal pooche jaa raha hun



akelepan ki god main..

mai har raat guzaar raha hoon

es kaagaz, es sihaayi se..

main apne aap mai he khoya jaa raha hoon..



sukhe patton sa, banjar zameen sa..

barish ki boondon k liye taraste jaa raha hun..

ek bandhe panchi sa..azaad hone ki khwaish liye..

mai rooz lade jaa raha hun.. jeeye jaa raha hoon....





HDK

The Hindu : Opinion / Lead : I'd rather not be Anna

The Hindu : Opinion / Lead : I'd rather not be Anna

Results gonna b out in 2 days

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..It ends here..

Harry potter series (i mean the movies here) end today.. the books ending as if were not enuf ... its like end of my teenage self .. as if warner bros wanna push me from there to adulthood (so called)...I have a one pm show tomo... I knw how i m gonna miss this series.... almost 6/7 years have now passed since I held the first book.. my first and only addiction till date... its saddening.. ciao HP, RW and HG...

.. Lost my fone..

Its almost like losing a limb .. I couldn`t sleep last nite.. the feeling is dreadful.. its almost like u hav jus been plugged off from the world and are thrown in the abyss .. its sickening .. wat a lame ass i m to lose out on sucha nice, honest and a lovely fone .. hope who ever has got it now takes care of it .. miss monalisa..

RIP

\m/

the world's end

When the fire needs warmth
the sea is thirsty
when the sky needs space
i look out for trace
the earth looks for shelter
the sky's gone blue
n the birds out here
r down with the flu

The sun's gone astray
the moons looking out for a way
humans hunt for existence
mars has gone the distance
the birds gone without the flight
the place is dark, there is no light
the eyes have no sight
the muscles have no might

so here cums the day
the moods no more gay
the words don't have their say
the good set at bay

astray astray astray
my mind too is become a prey
the world's end awaits us
the dooms on d way...

.. ..

of smilin faces and blarin kisses
of tight hugs and numb misses
of happy clicks and big grps
of ur all dumb activities and lost coups

this gen is goin to the dogs ,
why is the self lost
and the v begun ,

of stupid notes on fb
to ur all blarin blogs
wat do u thnk u are doin
clearin a drains clog

pls stop it now ,,
pls do ,,

thers no time for it now , stop it u !!


HDK

. meetin the dawnin night

Lets fly,, into the open skies
tonite,, into the open skies ,,
everyone,, heres our final goodbye ...
b sinkin in ..into the windy sigh


Flyin high, tonie i`ll b flying high
meetin bliss,,, into the naked sky
singin tunes ,, screechin the hushd up nie
fallin down,, meetin the upward sky

I`ve reachd... into the cloudy eden ,,'
across the wind... into the forbidden ...
eyes aroused ... and ma soul`s enlivend
Radiate ,, the night sun has risen...


Lightning strikes .. and brightens the dead
Mystic heavens,, lead into the way
Gates shut ,, darkens the starry nigh
We`re bac greeting the dawning night

Tomoro ... Lets fly,, into the open skies
tonite,, into the open skies ,,
everyone,, heres our final goodbye ...
b sinkin in ..into the windy sigh

On hitting the writers bloc and Current Affairs .. and past 5 years

Quoted from POTF

"in our headlights, staring, bleak, beer cans, deer's eyes
on the asphalt underneath, our crushed plans and my lies
lonely street signs, powerlines, they keep on flashing, flashing by

and we keep driving into the night
it's a late goodbye, such a late goodbye
and we keep driving into the night
it's a late goodbye"

An amazing era , half a decade , a journey surmounting an expanse of more than 250 weeks , revolutionizing my life , my way of thinking, assuming, understanding, passing thru time .. its almost a life within a life .. and that is wer i hit the writers bloc .. to put things in words has indeed being a dilemma ..

To Start with NM ,, Narsee Monjee (read : Alma Mater),, a heaven in itself ,, a place where lateral thinking was redefined in all astonishing, astounding ways .. the place taught me how to think .. and then the 3 years at MKS wer i was taught wat not to do .. never to do .. in ways u shud never behave (with live illustrations).."It doesn`t solve a thing to dress it in a pretty gown"

then the madness with "MAD" ,, its a heartbreak to even think abt MAD.. Make a Difference it was called ambitiously, one unwanted, unwarranted and unexpected roadblock killed that baby ...I still cannot forgive that man.. anyways moving on...

But here i met her ,,and i think tat is the place wer the revolutionizing part comes..!

.. I cannot believe I stopped writing here last time, the latest and the most amazing, exciting, adventurous and mind numbing.. though she reckons I dont remember a thing ,, well I do !!

She (JS , Teja, T Rex, Taliban, Al Qaeda and all other horrendous names I have attached to her) made a grand entrance into a well you can say a writers, a thinkers and more so a loners premise... and changed it .. for good .. of course !!

Then came the change,, lifestyle,, habits, way of thinking (not entirely), way of living, behaving etc etc...well 3 years have passed since that grand entrance,, I am glad, proud and even amazed .. that I have her.. though it might sound romantic, silly or anything.. however I am happy to be part of her life..

She has revolutionized my way of living and I am glad it has...