August 28

Have you ever felt like a container of memories, a jar might be a better word/ Jars labeled with our names, when you unwind the lid and peek inside you see memories floating like clouds, soft cotton clouds at the top - light as they can be blown away with a gentle breeze - like a memory of chewing food this morning - insignificant. As you rummage through the jar, giving it a slight shake to mix the contents you also notice a water cloud, a thunder cloud, a cyclonic pool of gangsta clouds, and maybe a couple who sneak at who`s looking and go back in, like the thing you have under your bed, you try to reach it but your hand's too short, like a baby who`d only come to you if it wants to...

I`ve had those glimpses, but like everything going inside your head, you can never be too sure - if its all made up or if its all real or both, everything can and cannot happen - 

16 Jan2016..

I'm disowning myself.. Doesn't that sound like the right thing to do..Like letting myself do whatever i want and lose accountability, like how it is with the children. I want to get out of my body and all its little limitations, i want to jump from a roof and not smash, just fall hard, i don't want to know anything anymore, except the winter cold and the shivering .. The winter is homely, i can sleep so well. 

19 Dec 2015...

I dislike idleness,like this current moment,  like a river, abruptly being stopped, dammed, damned, it makes me think,about life, i don't like that. Am trying to understand what's happening, these things around me, I'm trying to understand this longing, this immense incompleteness, it beats with these heart beats, this echoing the thumping,  every passing moment, it is monstrously trying to swallow me and I'm letting it, but it wont, no matter how much i entice it, reveal its true nature.   I'm incomplete in my entirety. ....

Next day morning...

My mind wrote a monologue.. Must have been 10 pages long..i won't ofcourse type that..

When i got down at the station..these tides brought me down, no matter how much i resist, the temptation to wallow down in oceans of this nostalgic waste, broke me down and i saw the little that is left of me hit the ocean floor with a thud..

.....